Selfies by Celebrities

We really like the way we look

3 notes

Archeologists in Peru dug up 300 weird, elongated skulls that look like aliens.  Now the DNA tests are telling us this “Paracan” species was more advanced than normal humans, and so far removed from our evolutionary line that we couldn’t even reproduce with them.  Creepy, yes.  But mostly cool.  Because if I ever hook up with one at a party, I won’t have to use a condom.

Man’s best friend, for obvious reasons.

#selfie #selfies #selfiesbycelebrities #russellbrand #weirdskulls #alieninfiltration #bareback #netpositive

Archeologists in Peru dug up 300 weird, elongated skulls that look like aliens. Now the DNA tests are telling us this “Paracan” species was more advanced than normal humans, and so far removed from our evolutionary line that we couldn’t even reproduce with them. Creepy, yes. But mostly cool. Because if I ever hook up with one at a party, I won’t have to use a condom.

Man’s best friend, for obvious reasons.

#selfie #selfies #selfiesbycelebrities #russellbrand #weirdskulls #alieninfiltration #bareback #netpositive

Filed under selfiesbycelebrities selfie selfies bareback russellbrand alieninfiltration weirdskulls netpositive

1 note

Communication is key, I am convinced of this.  For instance, when the old neighbor lady died of alcohol poisoning, it was totally unnecessary.   Doctors should be more clear when they prescribe Polish immigrants blood thinners.

Been having some chest pain, going to pound some beers.

#selfie #selfies #selfiesbycelebrities #justinbieber #biebs #biebeer #communication #heartcondition #bloodthinners #polish #traditionalmedicine

Communication is key, I am convinced of this. For instance, when the old neighbor lady died of alcohol poisoning, it was totally unnecessary. Doctors should be more clear when they prescribe Polish immigrants blood thinners.

Been having some chest pain, going to pound some beers.

#selfie #selfies #selfiesbycelebrities #justinbieber #biebs #biebeer #communication #heartcondition #bloodthinners #polish #traditionalmedicine

Filed under justinbieber bloodthinners selfiesbycelebrities communication selfie heartcondition selfies traditionalmedicine polish biebs biebeer

3 notes

I’ve heard people complaining that football players are suffering long term effects from concussions. But back in Iowa, I knew a guy who lost his ability to speak after he got crushed by a herd of stampeding cattle.  Two weeks later, he got knocked unconscious by the swing arm of a grain thresher and he was good as new.

I think the key is to make sure you get an even number of head injuries.

#selfie #selfies #selfiesbycelebrities #ashtonkutcher #superbowl #football #headinjuries #planningahead

I’ve heard people complaining that football players are suffering long term effects from concussions. But back in Iowa, I knew a guy who lost his ability to speak after he got crushed by a herd of stampeding cattle. Two weeks later, he got knocked unconscious by the swing arm of a grain thresher and he was good as new.

I think the key is to make sure you get an even number of head injuries.

#selfie #selfies #selfiesbycelebrities #ashtonkutcher #superbowl #football #headinjuries #planningahead

Filed under superbowl selfiesbycelebrities selfie football selfies headinjuries ashtonkutcher planningahead

8 notes

According to a guy who did some research in China, the main protein in milk actually causes cancer.  Thankfully, cows don’t have to worry about suffering from that terrible disease.  They get herded into factory farms when they are pretty young.

Going to use a soy product if I’m ever hosed down by a giant phallic symbol on stage.

#selfie #selfie #selfiesbycelebrities #mileycyrus #thechinastudy #cancer #cows #masskillings  #dyingyoung #brightside

According to a guy who did some research in China, the main protein in milk actually causes cancer. Thankfully, cows don’t have to worry about suffering from that terrible disease. They get herded into factory farms when they are pretty young.

Going to use a soy product if I’m ever hosed down by a giant phallic symbol on stage.

#selfie #selfie #selfiesbycelebrities #mileycyrus #thechinastudy #cancer #cows #masskillings #dyingyoung #brightside

Filed under thechinastudy cancer selfiesbycelebrities selfie brightside mileycyrus dyingyoung masskillings cows

3 notes

Just read about a guy who got five years in prison for shooting a police dog. Five years? Seems excessive, assuming he didn’t waste the meat.

Wearing my favorite jacket, made from the pressed womb of an extinct somethingorother.

#selfie #selfies #selfiesbycelebrities #charltonheston #NRA #inheritinggodscreation  #responsiblesteward #killitandgrillit

Just read about a guy who got five years in prison for shooting a police dog. Five years? Seems excessive, assuming he didn’t waste the meat.

Wearing my favorite jacket, made from the pressed womb of an extinct somethingorother.

#selfie #selfies #selfiesbycelebrities #charltonheston #NRA #inheritinggodscreation #responsiblesteward #killitandgrillit

Filed under inheritinggodscreation nra selfiesbycelebrities selfies killitandgrillit charltonheston selfie responsiblesteward

12 notes

Got pulled over last night in my Lambo and this cop pats me down for no reason.  Hey guy, I don’t have any weapons.  It took me an hour to squeeze one Vicodin into the left pocket of these heat-shrunk Koala leather capris.

Little Mo in booking lent me his shank so I could carve out this makeshift v-neck.

#selfie #selfies #selfiesbycelebrities #justinbieber #outforadrive #policestate #abuseofauthority #freedomofprescription

Got pulled over last night in my Lambo and this cop pats me down for no reason. Hey guy, I don’t have any weapons. It took me an hour to squeeze one Vicodin into the left pocket of these heat-shrunk Koala leather capris.

Little Mo in booking lent me his shank so I could carve out this makeshift v-neck.

#selfie #selfies #selfiesbycelebrities #justinbieber #outforadrive #policestate #abuseofauthority #freedomofprescription

Filed under justinbieber selfiesbycelebrities abuseofauthority selfie freedomofprescription selfies policestate outforadrive

5 notes

I have a friend who has always been really down on marriage.  He calls it death for the single male.  So it seemed hypocritical when he got married for the third time.  Until I realized how sold he was on reincarnation after he studied abroad in India.

Karmic game plan: remain morally neutral my entire life so I come back as myself.

#selfie #selfies #selfiesbycelebrities #aaronpaul #marriage #death #divorce #reincarnation #breakingbadkarma

I have a friend who has always been really down on marriage. He calls it death for the single male. So it seemed hypocritical when he got married for the third time. Until I realized how sold he was on reincarnation after he studied abroad in India.

Karmic game plan: remain morally neutral my entire life so I come back as myself.

#selfie #selfies #selfiesbycelebrities #aaronpaul #marriage #death #divorce #reincarnation #breakingbadkarma

Filed under death breakingbadkarma selfiesbycelebrities aaronpaul divorce selfie selfies reincarnation marriage

3 notes

My friend set me up on a blind date with a cat lady the other day. I told him I am allergic to cats so that might be a deal breaker.  He told me not to worry because she doesn’t actually own any pets.  I guess she’s just a violent Satanist who graduated from ritualistic squirrel killings earlier this year.

Fell asleep cuddling, dreamt I was possessed by an Aztek serpent god named Quetzalcoatl.

#selfie #selfies #selfiesbycelebrities #timtebow #dating #dealbreaker #allergies #misunderstanding #feelinghopeful

My friend set me up on a blind date with a cat lady the other day. I told him I am allergic to cats so that might be a deal breaker. He told me not to worry because she doesn’t actually own any pets. I guess she’s just a violent Satanist who graduated from ritualistic squirrel killings earlier this year.

Fell asleep cuddling, dreamt I was possessed by an Aztek serpent god named Quetzalcoatl.

#selfie #selfies #selfiesbycelebrities #timtebow #dating #dealbreaker #allergies #misunderstanding #feelinghopeful

Filed under selfiesbycelebrities allergies selfie misunderstanding selfies dealbreaker timtebow feelinghopeful dating

35 notes

Men sometimes accuse women of being overly dramatic and transparent about their feelings. But do you know it took me four years before I realized Tina Fey was gay?  In comparison, it took me just three minutes in a broom closet with the late night manager of White Castle to realize he had some serious mother issues.

Six hour bike pump blow dry, think my stylist might be a hipster.

#selfie #selfies #selfiesbycelebrities #amypoehler #tinafey #transparency #readingpeople #fetalposition #mommymommyimsorrymommy

Men sometimes accuse women of being overly dramatic and transparent about their feelings. But do you know it took me four years before I realized Tina Fey was gay? In comparison, it took me just three minutes in a broom closet with the late night manager of White Castle to realize he had some serious mother issues.

Six hour bike pump blow dry, think my stylist might be a hipster.

#selfie #selfies #selfiesbycelebrities #amypoehler #tinafey #transparency #readingpeople #fetalposition #mommymommyimsorrymommy

Filed under tinafey amypoehler selfiesbycelebrities selfie selfies transparency mommymommyimsorrymommy fetalposition readingpeople